Wednesday 14 September 2011

The end of a tree - and its true meaning


Monday was a sad day.
Thanks to the high winds at the end of the garden we lost one of our twisted willow trees.
Sad enough to lose a tree I think. To see something that has stood majestically at the end of your garden for goodness knows how many years. But doubly difficult for me to see.

You see. 8 and half years ago our beloved pussy cat got run over. If that was not bad enough I saw it happen as I was tucking our 3 year old and 3 month old into bed one February evening. We then tucked FFF (that was hes nickname) in his favourite blanket, and dug a hole under that big old tree and buried him with his favourite toy and his sweets. (Sad in more than one right - bet you thing I'm a mad woman if your not into pets right? - LOL).

If I knew then what I know I'm not sure I would have had the strength to keep going. Because with that night was the start of a year and half of hell on earth.
Seeing our fluffy fat fur ball get run over was the start of 18 months of Depression so severe the only option left after 2 suicide attempts, self harming and constant anguish was ECT (That's wiring your brain up to electricity!).

So watching that tree be cut up and removed yesterday felt really tough. And I couldn't think why as I stood there crying as my hubby, son and Dad enjoyed playing lumberjacks swinging off of ropes and ratchet straps to get it down safely.

And then I realised.
when we buried our fluffy fat freak under that tree a version of Mandie got buried too.

A new Mandie emerged the day after and she was not a good version.
And yet today having watched that tree be upended I realise something truly amazing.
Out of the worst experience of my life (truly I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy) has come a new version of me, that strictly between you and me I'm quite in love with.

You see years ago I wouldn't dream of saying such a statement. Think about it. Are you in love with yourself?

I would have said "How self centred" "How arrogant"

But do you know what?

It's not.

As I sit here writing I am thrown back to that night when I felt my world fell apart and I realise seeing that tree get chopped up the hurt and anguish over the person I was and the stress and worry I put the ones I love through has all gone.

Imagine me stood on a mountain aka Julie Andrews in the sound of the Music and I'm shouting "Hey have you heard of Mandie Holgate, she's a fabulous fabulous woman, and I for one love her! Wooooo HOOOOO!" Sorry but the capitals and exclamation marks I hope help you appreciate that I am truly shouting this.

And it's no arrogance I realise, its confidence. I'm confident I'm a good, hard working, talented, wonderful business woman, mum, friend, wife and so many other roles.

Wow I can't tell you how good it feels to admit I'm great.

I bet like me usually you only concentrate on what you are not good on, right?
Well from today get yourself a mountain top and shout how amazing you are.

Because here's the thing if you don't - why should anyone else?

Just to remind myself how brilliant I am - I'm adding a picture of me so far out of my comfort zone I can't see it (that's how I like to deal with comfort zones!)That's naked and having my photo taking - You see Mandie it would appear like your clients you can achieve anything you put your mind to.

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