Tuesday 16 June 2009

Reality & Judgements - Who's? Mine or Yours?



Last week we took the children to see Hannah Montana the movie. There were many outcomes to this. Firstly pop songs that you end up humming as you shake hands with a client or during an important "Come on Mandie time to look like a grown up" meeting.

Secondly a (becoming worryingly desperate) desire to learn the rest of the hoe down throw down - well really how is it my 5 year old daughter can get it and I end up with too many feet and not enough legs when I get on to "the shuffle in diagonal, when the drum hits"......aaahhhh! See it takes over.

I am going off at a tangent here but have you noticed how annoyingly addictive some music is? To the point where a few times of hearing it you find you are actually tapping along to it. What is happening there? Is there some kind of subliminal message laid under the words saying something like "You love me, you love me, buy my merchandise, buy my merchandise, write to the producer and beg for more"? If there is this ability I wonder where else this is being employed? Behind Take That's happy music on the ad is there a "secret message?"Saying "this music is making you feel happy, spend more, spend more. You will feel happy if you spend more in our store" on a continual loop? and if so I wonder if I may get the necessary electronics and put my own secret words to music. Mmmmm I am starting to think big here...

Firstly I would have a secret message in Hannah Montanna and High School Musical especially for my daughter saying "I am really tired and I wish to brush my teeth instead of the bathroom wall with pink toothpaste, go to sleep instead of getting teddy to wear my nightie and stop trying to sniff my brothers feet while he sleeps"
And the second message would be in my hubby's C.D in the car saying "I want to buy my wife flowers, cook tea, wash the floors, tell my wife she is the most beautiful women in the world and actually have something interesting to say when my wonderful wife tells me about her day, oh and I never want to leave socks on the stairs again" Okay so I am really lucky, I do get the flowers and he is a whiz in the kitchen as long as I don't ask for salad, apparently salad is only a garnish you are not supposed to eat it - who knew?

So where was I - oh yes the outcome of seeing Hannah Montanna. During the film I got a very important phone call. My sister is my best friend (if you don't include my hubby) and she is expecting twins. I could explode with happiness about this for so many reasons. Firstly she is a fantastic fairy godmother to my children and would do anything for them. Secondly I know she will make a wonderful Mum and thirdly I GET TO BE AN AUNTIE!! How cool is that? For 8 and half years I have had to be the sensible one - well when I say sensible that kind of suggests a maturity and I am not sure that that will ever be the case. But I am the one that has to say "Come on no more death defying leaps onto your Auntie time for bed, you have school in the morning" and " No Granddad, I don't think it is a good idea to give our son milk & Orange, chocolate and cream cake and spin him round like - eugh! that's why!"

But this pregnancy has been just awful. There is no way of making it sound any different it just has. My sister for years has been describing the clothes that she would wear when she was pregnant, how her bump would be on display. Instead she has been very poorly and so have the twins, resulting in a life saving operation for them. Its hard to think about the kind of shorts you are going to wear with a tankini this summer to show off your bump when you have been through what she has recently. And because we are so incredibly close - we have been through every step with her.

We had booked our tickets to see Hannah weeks in advance and because the urgency of my sisters operation it worked out that as I sat down with two very excited children and a excited Hubby (he does like a hoe down throw down!) in the dark while my sister was finding out if the twins were still alive. Keep busy was my motto, so I ate popcorn with a mobile in my hand.

As the phone started I kind of flew out side and when I heard the news that there was still two heart beats and more importantly their little hearts were not damaged and miraculously they had gained weight. I don't think there are words that I could use to describe how I felt.

But as I left the cinema at the end of the film. I realised that I was crying. I had just left Hannah Montana surrounded my young giggly girls sobbing. What must people of thought?

This got me thinking how many times have we snapped an image in our mind and come to the wrong conclusion? Anyone outside the Odean must of thought I was a delicate soul sobbing at Hannah Montana. Am I? Hardly.

I have found since then I am slowing down the judgements I make, with great results. It has been especially useful when meeting new people in business environments. I confessed this new found wisdom to a businesswomen the other day and she then shared with me how she was beginning to appreciate this too. She had assumed that the person that she had sat next to for the last hour at a networking breakfast would not be interested in what she did and so she had concentrated on what they did and had not mentioned her work. As they got up to leave he requested a meeting with her to discuss how she could help his business. Holding back judgement has had a similar effect for me. Some one that I thought would dismiss coaching as something that they didn't do" - contacted me out of the blue and arranged to meet me. I know that this was as a direct result of my change in attitude.

How many times have you not received a reply to an email and have assumed you have done something to offend them? and never found the courage to pick up the phone and find out? Or looked at some one immaculate or dressed in a track suit and thought I won't have nothing in common with you.

How many times a day do we assume we know what people are thinking? What we are seeing is correct? There is a saying that there is no such thing as reality only everyone's interpretation of it..... and I for one am beginning to wonder.

You only have to look at my stupadog Max to see this. To the untrained eye he looks like a springer spaniel, and Max is pure pedigree (apparently). Springer's are working dogs, used for hunting, etc - Mine is currently watching a mother fox and her five cubs bounce & sniff their way around our garden. Theoretically I should be ashamed but I like foxes and I like my dog just the way he is. The mother fox obviously knows we mean her and her children no harm because she sees Max's face at the window and carries on feeding her babies.

For me this is a visual reminder of my Hannah Montana moment. First Impressions are essential, as we tend to form an idea of a person within 60 seconds of meeting them, usually regardless of what is coming out of their mouths. So you need to appreciate this, however what conclusions could you draw if you held back on your judgement? I have my visual reminder of my stupadog and since the last thing I do before I leave the house is stroke his head - I know my delayed judgement thought will be at the fore front of my mind - what about you?

Sunday 14 June 2009

What Are You Assuming & Missing Out on?

I have met some wonderful people this week at various events. But the more I talked to people the more I was able to appreciate something that seems to be inherent in far too many of us.

Why is it that we assume that what we can do (and are very good at) everyone else can do, But what we can't do everyone else can?

If you think about this. This constantly puts the rest of the universe in a better position than yourself, an odd place to choose to place yourself don't you think? Because I certainly would not want this for any of my friends, family, business associates or clients - so why have I been doing this to myself?

For me I had assumed that everyone can clear their daily email mountain & in tray (including the revolting job!) Meet clients and still have time to be a business ambassador at a local school all before 3.00 in the knowledge that before 9.00 I had played Teacher, done 2 washes, cleared the ironing and still had time to stroll to school in the sun. So that after school I can play with the children, bake cookies and have the energy to cook a nice tea and still read a story at bedtime and learn the rest of Hannah Montana's Hoedown Throwdown & play ball with 'Stupadog' for half an hour. Super Mum? No, of course not, just a very organised person with far too much energy for one human being.

We are very quick to be aware of our faults. For instance I think people see my energy and enthusiasm for everything as annoying and false and so don't believe that I am genuine. But I am learning to appreciate that is not the case.

Its my energy and enthusiasm that is part of me, that makes me unique and wonderful. But assuming that everyone else can achieve the same as you, denies you your skills and abilities.

I was asked to talk to a roomful of over a hundred 15 year olds on a topic relating to the workshop that was being run with as much notice as it takes to unzip my new handbag. I did it, I enjoyed it and it prompted people to come and talk to me.

Easy. But was it?

I know lots of people that I have coached and that I know personally that fear talking to a room full of people more than getting on a plane. Apparently its the forth biggest fear. So I now appreciate that this is not a skill that everyone has. That does not mean to say that everyone could not do it, just that it is a skill that I already possess and that they have not learnt yet.

The other point here is that if you do struggle with a skill you assume that everyone else can already do it. Cold calling for instance - So many people hate it with a passion, they would rather visit the dentist than pick up the phone. Or walking into a roomful of strangers and walking up to someone and saying "Hi." People do stay at home instead of attending. But if you could see a sign over everybody in the rooms head that said what they were really thinking how many would have a sign saying "Let the floor open up and swallow me whole and get me outta here!" And how great would it be to know that you are not alone. How often have you told someone about something that you hate and you have felt a connection to that person because they have told you they feel the same?

So here's an idea for you. What could happen if from now on you acknowledged that you have skills that other people don't have and that things you are not very good at so are lots of other people. And a bonus thought here for you. Just because you are not good at something now it does not mean you can not learn to be good at it. If you are passionate and dedicated you can achieve anything - It's great to remember that.

So I am going to do just that. I will continue to have the energy of a classroom of five year olds I will continue to be interested and enthusiastic about everything, and I will acknowledge that being me is very unique and pretty cool - (and if you personally know me you would definitely say that there is no one quite like Mandie Holgate! I now see that as a great thing and a fantastic U.S.P!)

I hope you too can appreciate your U.S.P and the unique individual you already are.